I’m opening a business. It’s the worst business model in history, and I never expect to make a penny from the endeavor. But if anyone had the potential to make a living from this business, I assure you it would be me.
C&C Writing Company is a highly specialized service for the very wealthy and incredibly vindictive. It’s simple, really. If you’re going through a divorce or are just dealing with a shitty ex-spouse on a regular basis, you hire me. I move in to your (hopefully vast and awesome) residence for a month. During that month, you pay all living expenses. (I enjoy toro sashimi, Guinness, Patron Gran and a 4” memory foam mattress topper.) At night, the two of us will sit fireside and talk about your less-than-perfect marriage and the resulting deterioration.
As we talk, I’ll take notes on everything you hate about your ex, everything they hate about you and all of the anecdotes and inside information that led to your current relationship status. After a month, I’ll return to my (not nearly as vast or awesome) residence and await your call.
Anytime you have to send correspondence to your ex-spouse, you pick up the phone and dial my number. You tell me the reason for the email or letter and what it needs to accomplish, and I write it. Then, you send me a check for $500. I’m sure this sounds awfully expensive for what – up to this point – seems to be a mere secretarial service. So what value do I add?
I simply craft an email that deals with the issue at hand – financial, parental or legal. To anyone who is only familiar with the facts about the case – a court authority for instance – the email would appear straightforward and professional. To your ex-spouse, however, there would be not-so-subtle digs at their inadequacies, shortcomings and failures that would leave them sleepless with both guilt and rage for weeks on end.
Essentially, I would be calling your ex-spouse a “cunt” or a “cocksucker” (or, in those weird cases of transgender douchebaggery, both). Thus, the “C&C.” The only two people who would understand that? You and your ex. For them, every email would be akin to bleeding to death from a million papercuts. A judge or county magistrate would remain oblivious, however. For the person presiding over your case and your future, it would be as irritating as fingernails on a chalkboard to the deaf.
In the long run, the cash you pay me doesn’t just make you feel good, it could actually save you money in judgments against you.
After three years, I’m pretty fucking good at this. Tell your rich, irate and spiteful friends.